Dealing with Difficult People

Community is a remarkable thing. Often, we grow faster in community and in ways that we would be unable to grow on our own. Jesus designed us for community, so it’s essential to our spiritual health. However, wherever people meet there will inevitably be mess! This is why Solomon writes:

Where there are no oxen, the manger is empty, but from the strength of an ox come abundant harvests. Proverbs 14:4

You see the point? No oxen, no mess. But, without oxen, there is no productivity. Without the ox’s strength, the soil remains dormant and the harvest never comes. In the same way, LH Groups and the people, emotions, and relationship that comprise them are messy by nature. Group members don’t get along, tragedy strikes, feelings get hurt, and things go wrong. But it’s in and through the mess that Jesus refines us, strengthens us, challenges us, and purifies us!

Your job as an LH Group leader is to lead your people through the mess and closer to Jesus. This means from time to time, you’ll have to deal with difficult people.

The Person: A difficult person can take different forms. By far, the most common issue you’ll experience is someone who dominates the conversation, talking too much or talking over other people. However, difficult people also may be extremely emotional or consistently critical and negative. They may pick fights with other group members or simply bring drama to the group. In the end, though each difficult person differs vastly, what they hold in common is they distract the group from building relationships and growing closer to Jesus.

* Note: Occasionally, you may experience group members in more extreme situations. Cases with illegal activity, mental illness, addiction, severe marital problems and the like should be immediately communicated to your coach and the Small Group Director. Lighthouse partners with professional clinical counselors for situations that are above the capability of lay leaders.

The Tension: Just to be clear, there is a real tension that many LH Group Leaders feel in dealing with difficult people. This is because as an LH Group Leader, you’re a shepherd. The tension you feel is between the desire to shepherd the individual (the difficult person), and the desire to shepherd the group. Often, if a difficult person is left unchecked, other members in your group will share concerns or even express the desire to leave your group. The question becomes, whom do you shepherd, the group or the individual?

The good news is that the method we’re about to examine shepherds both. It addresses a real issue in the difficult person’s life which may be a blind spot to them and it ensures the group as a whole can continue to form relationships and grow in their walk with God.

The Method:

* Note: As soon as you believe you have a difficult person in your group, let your coach or the Small Group Director know before beginning this process.

Step One: Announcement

Once the difficult person is identified, make a general announcement at the beginning of your group. This not only sends a message to the difficult person that their behavior needs to be adjusted, but it also informs your group that you know there is an issue and plan to address it. Hopefully, at this point the behavior will be corrected. Since this is the first step, be sure to be gentle, but clear. For example, if someone in your group talks too much, you can say something similar to the following:

“Hey guys, I’m so glad everyone had something to share concerning our topic last week. This time around, let’s keep our comment to under a minute so everyone has a chance to share their thoughts.”

Step Two: Personal Conversation

If your difficult person continues to be a distraction despite your announcement, have a brief one-on-one conversation with them. Most of the time, difficult people don’t know they are difficult people, so assume they have the best intentions. Discuss the issue, but be as encouraging as possible. In the best-case scenario, you can turn a difficult person into a leader. End the conversation on a positive note. Using the example of an over-talker again, consider saying something like this:

“Jim, I really appreciate it when you speak up in the group. Thank you for being so transparent and willing to share your thoughts. I think your openness prompts other people to talk. However, I need your help to encourage some of the group members who don’t feel as confident speaking in a group. If you could limit your comments and stories to under a minute and support the other members when they share, I think the group could get even better. I believe the other members will follow your lead and some great conversations can take place.”

Step Three: Confrontation and Dismissal from Group

Usually, step one and two will correct a difficult person. However, there are cases when more drastic actions are necessary. This is why Paul told his pupil Titus the following:

“Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them.” Titus 3:10

Titus was acting as a shepherd and Paul told him that sometimes people will refuse to be corrected or “shepherded.” In such cases, you must protect the rest of the group members.

If you have followed steps one and two and your difficult person has not changed their behavior, it’s time to have another, more direct, conversation. If the problem persists, it’s time to dismiss the person from your group. Your coach and the Discipleship Director will help you prepare for this conversation. Obviously, asking someone to leave your group is a step of last resort, but you as the group leader always have that option. If you have difficulty with the idea of someone leaving your group, that’s good! You’re a shepherd and you love people. It would be weird and concerning if you didn’t mind at all. But here are two things to keep in mind:

Correction is a form of shepherding. If someone in your group is distracting other people from growing, refusing to be shepherded, and unwilling to change their actions, the best thing you can do is show them that there are consequences for their actions. This doesn’t ever mean we get to be unloving, but it does mean that sometimes shepherds must use tough love.

Dismissal protects the other members. Often, people sacrifice to attend an LH Group. Employees need to rearrange work schedules, moms and dads need to get kids ready and find sitters. Everyone is so busy in our culture that it isn’t an overstatement to say time is our most precious commodity. To have people carve out time in their week to attend your group only to be consistently distracted by a difficult person is not fair to your group members. Again, if your difficult person will not be shepherded, you must shepherd the other members of the group.

Know You Have Support: Your coach, the Small Group Director, Discipleship Director and the Director of Pastoral Care are here to help! Don’t hesitate to reach out if you have any questions or concerns as to how to best shepherd your group.

By handling difficult people well, we can more effectively reach the lost and make disciples wherever Jesus calls us to and whoever He leads to our groups!